Origins
by strayphoenix
Summary: The completly true origins of Wolverine. Has to do with penguins, Jimmy Buffett, a cucumber, Mia Ham, ABBA, Scarlet O'Hara, a bean burrito, and a blue squirrel. oneshot


Somewhere in the far reaches of the universe, an alien space craft that greatly resembled an Eggo© waffle touched down on a desert planet. A hatch opened and two penguins waddled out.

"Meep meep meep! Meep meep meep meeeeeeeeep meeep!" shouted one which meant: "Portugal, you stupid-ass! This isn't the all-you-can-eat buffet!"

"Meeep meep meep meeeeep!" responded the other which meant: "I'm really sorry, Jerry!"

"Meep meep mareep! MEEP MEEEP MEEP!" said an upset Jerry which meant: "Now we're going to be late and miss all the good sardines! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Meep!" exclaimed Portugal as he dodged Jerry's flippers which were ready to throttle him. The translation was: "Look!"

They turned to see that in the middle of the abandoned dessert, underneath a bright red fire hydrant, was a fairly large three foot long cucumber. They alien penguins hopped over to it and looked at it.

"Meep meeeeep!" said Jerry which meant: "What the –meep-!"

"MEep MeEP?" asked Portugal as he reached out. He had said: "Can I poke it?"

"Meep! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" said Jerry. It meant "No! Get it on the ship."

Portugal spun around six times, hopped twice, farted and roared like a lion.

The cucumber disappeared with a tuba-like noise and reappeared inside the ship. The penguins re-boarded and set a course for Earth.

* * *

On Earth in a crowded stadium, Jerry chased Portugal's stupid-ass among the people there.

"MEEP MEEEEEP!" he screamed at his brother which meant: "I'm GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Meep! Meep! Meeeeeeep!" he responded dodging between the legs of the people in the mosh pit. He meant: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! The sign said 'buffet'!"

Jerry responded with "MEEP MEEEEP MEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" "THE SIGN SAID BUFFETT, STUPID-ASS! YOU TOOK US TO A JIMMY BUFFETT CONCERT!"

"AHHHHH!" screamed Portugal and he ran which meant: "AHHHHH!"

* * *

Outside the stadium, the cucumber rolled itself out of the ship and onto the pavement just as a couple was passing by.

"What are you talking about, Lily? The end of the Village totally made sense to me!" said Erik Lensherr.

His wife, Lily Potter, responded with "Please, Erik, an alien cucumber with a baby boy in it would make much more sense"

At that moment, the large cucumber rolled onto Lily's feet and opened to reveal a sleeping baby boy. Lily leaned down and picked it up. She turned to Erik who was dumbfounded.

"See?" she said proudly.

"See what?" Erik asked. "This makes much less sense than The Village!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "It's obvious that this baby was found in a cucumber shaped pod on a desert planet underneath a red fire hydrant by alien penguin brothers who were looking for a buffet who took it in their ship and landed here clearly mistaking 'Buffett' for 'buffet' and left there waffle shaped spaceship out here cloaked but forgot to close the hatch so that this baby in it's pod could roll out here to meet us as we were passing by just as Fate would have it" she said, without loosing her breath.

Erik blinked a few times. "Obvious?"

"Let's keep him!" Lily exclaimed. "I'm going to call him Actonel®!"

"No, that's stupid…Let's call him Shanaynay!" said Erik.

"How about Hogan! Like the wrestler!" she said suddenly.

"You watch WWF? Cool! I love you!" Erik exclaimed. "But Hogan is girly name. How about Logan?"

"Logan? Hmmm…" Lily said. She closed her eyes to think. Erik waited for her approval. In fact, he waited forty three minutes.

"Lily?" he asked. She snapped awake.

"COOL-AID©!" she shouted in surprise. She blinked a few times before responding that she liked the name Logan.

"Good! Now, lets go home!" he said.

Lily nodded. She spun around six times, hopped twice, farted and roared like a lion.

* * *

"Zac! Billie! Jeremy! Mia! Nicolas!" Lily shouted upon appearing in her house while Erik held his shirt over his nose. "Come meet your new baby brother!"

Eight year old Zac Efron, six year old Billie Joe Armstrong, and five year old Mia Ham came running down the stairs.

"Where are Nick and Jeremy?" Lily asked.

"Mia mind controlled them into singing ABBA songs at the top of their lungs while hanging upside down from the roof of the house" Zac said innocently. Mia giggled. Billie picked his nose.

Just then two loud thuds were heard outside and the lyrics of "Dancing Queen" could be heard through the open window in between groans of pain.

"This is your new baby brother, Shanaynay!" Erik said ignoring his other sons. Lily glared at him. "…I mean Logan!"

"Cool!" said Zac. Mia giggled. Billie picked his nose.

"Do want to play with him?" Lily asked.

"Sure" said Zac.

Mia giggled.

Billie said "Sorry mom, but General Hospital starts in two minutes. I need to see what happens when Skye finds out that Monica's her clone made by Jason's evil mad scientist father who was actually a mutant porcupine"

"MUTANTS!" Erik shouted suddenly getting a crazy look in his eyes. He ripped open his shirt like the Hulk to reveal a hairy chest. "WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD!" he screamed as he took of flying through the roof.

"Now look what you did, Billie! You got your father on another one of his tangents!"

"Ooops" said Zac. Mia giggled. Billie picked his nose and Jeremy and Nicolas could be heard outside now singing "Super Trouper"

* * *

Sixteen years later, Logan was sixteen and the year was 1312.

He was walking along a beach with four girls.

"…and then I saw it!" he stated. The girls gasped.

"Was it big?" asked Jean Grey.

"Were you scared?" asked Cornelia Hale.

"What was it?" asked Buffy Summers.

"Was it worse than walking on a tightrope in you underwear?" asked Scarlet O'Hara.

"It was worse" Logan said. "It was a giant purple blood sucking butterfly from a colony deep within the Earth!"

The girls gasped again. Buffy threw herself on him, hugging him.

"Oh Logan! What did you do?"

"I ran away screaming" he announced proudly.

The girls sighed dreamily.

"You're so brave, Logan" Jean said in a breathy voice. She leaned foreword and kissed his cheek.

He shrugged his shoulders. "It was nothing"

He pulled out a bean burrito from his pocket and began eating it when a squirrel came running out of nowhere, leapt up, snatched his burrito and took off running.

A furious Logan took off after him. Scarlet sighed.

"I love his butt!"

When the squirrel stopped, Logan noticed that it was glowing a radioactive blue. But he didn't care because it had his burrito.

"Give me back my burrito!" he shouted as he lunged for his lunch. But the squirrel turned its head and bit him. He let out a girlish scream as he felt himself start to change.

He felt his body get heavier as his bones became covered in adamantium. Three claws grew from each of his hands, also covering in metal. He also shrunk about a foot.

"ARGH!" he screamed when he had stopped transforming. He pointed at the squirrel and bellowed, "YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!"

He stabbed the squirrel with the three metal claws on one hand. It died.

He took it back to the beach and made a fire where he cooked and ate the squirrel. It died more.

"Logan!" came a cry from somewhere down the beach.

He turned to see a large walnut shaped spacecraft with a half man, half squirrel and a half woman, half squirrel in front of it. They looked like real people but they were really ugly because they had squirrel parts.

"Who are you?" he asked the strange people.

"Don't you recognize us, Logan?" said the squirrel-woman "We're your parents. I'm Blueken-Shniner-Simon-And-Garfunkle-ness. But everyone who wants to live calls me Hairy. This man is your father. His name is Ow-You-Evil-Bastard-That's-My-Arm-You-Just-Severed!"

"For real?" asked Logan.

"Yes, your grandfather was in the process of naming me when a doctor passed by with a particularly large knife and…well, you can guess the rest. Everybody calls me Hairier"

"Would that make me Hairiest?" he asked.

"Yes" said his mother in delight, "But your true name is Shanaynaynaynaynynaynaynaynaynaynaynaynaynaynaynay-sandlot!"

"I knew it! So then, I'm half squirrel?" he asked.

"Of course" said the Hairier. "Haven't you wondered why you're so hairy and you always smell like a dead rat?"

"I though that was puberty" he stated, confused.

"Nonetheless, we are your parents. We've come to take you home"

"But what about my adopted mom and dad?"

"They'll understand" said his Hairy.

"What about Zac, Mia, and Billie?" he asked.

"Zac's all song and dance, Mia's a kick-over, and Billie's a nimrod"

"What about Nick and Jeremy?" he wondered.

"Who?" asked his mother, "the small scary children who won't stop singing?"

"Yes" said her husband. Then he turned back to Logan.

"They're on their world tour. They'll never know you left"

"And they're idiots" chimed in his mother.

"Very well" said Logan. "Let's go!"

"Wait!" said hisHairier. "We have to wait for Hookey-Pookey-Lacha-Lacha-Mahogoney-Shnahalala-Bickerly-Joe. We call him Prince Latvia. He's our Imperial Guard"

"We sent him to fetch you" said his mother. "He's small, blue and radioactive-like. Have you seen him?"

Logan's eyes widened and he looked at his blue glowing belly. He looked back up at his parents and shook his head shyly.

"Um…no?"

"YOU ATE THE IMPERIAL GUARD!" bellowed his father. "He was my brother's neighbor's cousin's sister's pet's wall decoration!"

Hairier drew his sword and lunged at his son in fury.

* * *

That's when Wolverine woke up in his bead, screaming. He sat up and rubbed his sleepy eyes, wide with terror.

"Wow" he breathed. "That was a scary-ass dream. Maybe I shouldn't have so much beer before I go to bed"

Still thinking, he turned to his bedside table where he'd left half a bottle of Bud Light©.

After looking at it for a few seconds he shook his head with a smirk.

"Nah!"

He grabbed the bottle, drained its contents and then dropped back to the bed, unconscious, never noticing the walnut shaped spacecraft outside his window.

THE END

* * *

Thanks to Whitexslayer who helped writing this story. He will be posting a story of his soon on his page so be sure to look out for it.

Now (sigh) all the legalities: Eggo, JIMMY BUFFETT, Harry Potter, X-Men, Actonel, The Village, WWF, Hogan, Cool-Aid, Zac Efron, Billie Joe Armstrong (from Green Day), Mia Ham, ABBA, "Dancing Queen", General Hospital and its characters, "Super Trouper", Cornelia Hal (W.I.T.C.H.), Buffy Summers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Scarlet O'Hara (_Gone with the Wind_), and Bud Light are not mine. I share the plot with my brother Whitexslayer.

BTW, in case you didn't get it, the line with "Zac's all song and dance" is deathly funny and ironic because Zac Effron is in High School Musical, Mia Ham's a soccer player, and Billie Joe's band, Green Day, has a CD named nimrod. Aren't I clever?


End file.
